Day 4: Today I didn't wear mascara

And that’s a big fucking deal.

For a little backstory: I’m the girl who NEVER (and I really do mean NEVER) leaves the house without mascara. I put it on if I’m taking the trash out, I put it on if I’m going to see my grandparents, I put it on at 5 a.m. just to sweat it off in a 6 a.m. yoga class.

I always wear mascara.

Because to be honest, I’m not comfortable without it. I’m not comfortable that someone (maybe even a potential date, gasp!) might see me bare-lashed, might see me looking anything less than perfect. My hair could be a mess, I could be wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt… but if I have mascara, I’m okay.

So the fact that I didn’t wear it at all today? Big. Fucking. Deal.

And yes, I went out in public. Multiple times in fact. And guess what: no one noticed. No one except me.

It’s a really big turning point for me, a really big mind shift. I was getting dressed to go run errands this morning and of course, reached for my tube of mascara. But then I stopped myself: Why was I going to put it on just to take it off when I got home? Who was I trying to impress at Target? And more importantly, if I’m giving up dating for a year, WHY am I trying to impress anyone at all?

So I put it down and walked out the door, naked lashes and all. And as small as it sounds, as silly as it sounds, I have never felt as free as I did in that moment.

Because I was finally giving a (figurative) middle finger to all those pressures and expectations that as a single woman, I’m supposed to look a certain way, that I’m supposed to try harder, that I’m supposed to do everything just to make myself the perfect future girlfriend.

But now that I’ve committed to a year of being single, that weight is no longer there. And dang, it feels good.

P.S. This 100% doesn’t mean I’m “giving up” on myself. Or that I’m going to live in ratty clothes and greasy hair. Of course I’m still going to get dressed up. Of course I’m still going to wear mascara most days. But the point is that I no longer feel like I have to do that… and that’s an incredible feeling.