“I’m giving up dating for an entire year.”
That’s what I told my mom this morning on our walk.
“A whole year. No dates. No relationships. Nothing.”
She rolled her eyes, of course, reminding me that this isn’t the first time I’ve said that. And that’s true—this is not the first time I’ve said that but it is the first time I’ve meant it.
It’s a decision I made this morning when I woke up with the worst emotional hangover (yes, those are a thing). My head felt heavy, my body felt heavy, and most of all, my heart felt heavy. Everything in me felt depleted, felt beaten down. Everything in me felt destroyed.
That’s because last night I went through yet another breakup. Yet another breakup where I was pretty much blindsided. And even worse, yet another breakup where my now-ex-boyfriend ended things via text. TEXT! (Not to go on an angry rant here but come on guys, we aren’t 16 anymore. Have some fucking balls.)
So yeah, as you can imagine, I woke up this morning feeling pretty shitty. And as I tend to do after a breakup, I immediately started blaming myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do my relationships never work? Why can’t I seem to find the right guy? What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me?
But then I Googled “30 and single” (I’m 27, FYI, but in my post-breakup depression, that’s basically 30 which is basically a 90-year-old spinster). And an article by Shani Silver popped up… and I’m not even being my normal dramatic self when I say it changed my life.
More specifically, one paragraph changed my life:
“Maybe, instead, we should spend more time talking to single women about things that don’t suggest they’re broken? I fully trust that what we want will find its way to us, and that we don’t have to “fix” ourselves first in order to get it. We’re just as valid and worthy as everyone else.”
And with that, I knew what I had to do—I had to give up dating. I had to stop looking for someone. I had to, above all, stop trying to “fix” my singleness.
There’s so much I want to do and so much I need to work on in myself before I’m ready for “the one.” I know this. I always have. But I’ve always turned to dating, to relationships, to men to make me feel validated. To be my figurative Band-aids.
So for the next year, I’m giving it all up. And that’s what I’ll be documenting on the blog every day: the ups and (what I’m sure will be many) downs of a year of being a single. A year where I’ll stop focusing on men and start focusing on me. A year where I’ll create the life I’ve always wanted to have and become the me I’ve always wanted to be.
And yes Mom, this time I’m really doing it.